瑞玢的左眼

Matt bought me a stuffed cat....
i named him Poop...

Gave my cats to Kris today......

so the ghost rider was pretty awesome...
Matt didn't wanna see it cuz he thinks it's cheesy and all, but he still took me to see it... we went there early to get the ticket, then went to walmart to find him some guitar hero..lol.. but they were sold out... same as hasting's...too bad, matty...:p
ever since we've been calling each other alot this week..pretty much everyday, whenever, before and after class...he was the first person i talk to in the morning, the last before i went to bed...i knew something was going on... and i knew this time going to a movie together will be different, but i tend to ignore it...
in the movie, we went from touching each other, giggling to linking arms, holding hands..lol..
our hands fit perfectly...amazed me sometimes...although we're both too bony..lol..but this was still the best movie night i've ever had.....
his cousin called him a few times during the movie. he called her back when we got out. she was a bit drunk, and wanted to talk to me..i freaked..then she started asking me to go to her house to smoke some hookah...i didn't want to, but matt sorta convinced me to just stay for about an hour...
before we went there, we checked the commerce walmart for guitar hero..too bad they didn't have it neither..lol..bad luck, matt...when we were on our way out, we saw laine and ben...they're still the same... i kinda feel bad for saying this, but i'm kinda glad that i don't really hang out with them anymore... otherwise, i'd be truly stuck in this shit town...
went to crystal's...met tracey, her boyfriend...then me and matt drove around the town till 12am, his birthday <3 when he dropped me off, he walked me to my door... i could feel that he was asking for a kiss... but i kicked him out anyway..for some reason... and that was the end of my sunday night..... i was totally turned on, but i didn't do anything at all...:p

today's valentine's day... i was gonna wear a dress today, but nah... i walked around campus with 3 roses - red, yellow, and white - in the morning when i was hanging out with matt...
baily saw me with him outside the fine arts building. and he saw me pealing off roses again after i made matt go to class. i gave him a evil smile when i saw him staring at me throwing petals. he said hi then opened the door for me, "those look nice," he said, "beautiful colors."
"thank you." i smiled.
after he went into the class, i went to the library and hung out with mariana for about an hour. when i was going back to fine arts, i saw matt came outta his class. so he walked me back to fine arts, we stood outside and talked about natalie portman..lol..i was sitting on the bike bin thingy...chowing on a yellow petal when baily just walked outta the room. he smiled when he saw me saw him. i wonder if everyone thinks me and matt are together...lol..it'll be hilarious...
later on, when i got home and about to go pass out, matt called around 6pm and asked if i wanted to go with him to greenville to buy some CDs and pants... i told him i was too tired. and just before we hung up... i think i heard him said "okay, love you" i freaked...........

This is ridiculous! If you guys want to get a divorce, make it all dramatic and worth while. Don't give me shit as trivial as money. Can't believe those green paper got you two together and then had you guys separated as well. Two very different people trying to make this family work. No one is to blame, but, then again, the blame belongs to everyone... I don't know what to say or how to feel anymore... Dad's tired and mom's upset... Brother's freaking out... And I'm thousands of miles away from them. It pains me so bad, but I don't know what to do... I've tried talking to mom, but her response was a rejection. Why is everything so fucked up when I have finally set a goal of my life... I can't take it... I don't want to deal with it...

"no i cant lol" - that was his answer.
after promising to call him around 10:30am to meet him at the fine arts building, i knew today was going to be weird, which it was. i had to make a run to the post office, so i left the art building around 10:20am. he called me around 10:30am. we were both on our way to the fine arts. that was the first time i kept him on the phone while we looked for each other...we didn't stay at the fine arts, we went to the library cuz he had to make some copies. then i walked him to his class..where he gave me a hug before he went into the classroom..i hurried back to the fine arts, worried that i might have missed baily...but i didn't...
it was pouring rain outside.
he walked in, i walked out.
"freezing, huh?" i said.
"yeah. wet, too." he added.
i tried to smile and win back his friendly conversation..
didn't really work out that well..
i tried to study a bit before my psy class. we got our tests back today, i made a 90. i called matt right off the class. we walked together to the student center to find nate..watched alittle TV, joked around, played alittle pool.. till me, nate, and kris had to go to class.. but he walked us there, so i still got a hug from him before i went into class..
called him again after class cuz he texted me during class and told me that his hair's alot shorter now. i only talked with him on the phone for about 2 minutes, i told him i had to run to rockwall, so he said that he'll stop by my place later on...
but i text him when i was in plano and told him that i'll call him tomorrow before class....

after asking Matt for a hug and the chemical change between us which we both felt it, today was a bit awkward... last night, i waited him to get off work to get on msn, which he did. then he started saying his scholarship got upgraded, so he'll be getting money back.
he asked if i was up, i was like, yeah, sadly, cuz i got a psy test first thing tomorrow. he wanted me to go to sleep and worry about it tomorrow since i was so tired. i said it was a terrible advice and he could've said good luck or buy me coffee. he said that he'd buy me coffee if it'll cheer me up. and that was the moment i started to feel the awkwardness between us... we went over the plans for tomorrow, ended up meeting in the library at 11am for coffee, then 1pm after our classes for a fancy lunch. i made him walked around with me on the campus, purposely ended up in fine arts so i could get a chance to see baily. but we stood outside the door till almost 12, he didn't come out. so i gave up. i let him to go class and i had to go take my stupid psy test anyway... l leaned over to his shoulder, he naturally put his arms around me and gave me a full hug, a very tight one, i might add. that was the first time him hugging me around my shoulders, not my arms around his neck (because usually, i'd reach out to him and gave him a hug first) i admit, it felt nice and loved.
i finished my test in like 18 minutes..lol..when i walked outta the science building towards ss building, i finally saw baily..! some kid caught him in a long assed conversation. while i was walking towards them, they were just standing outside talking. he noticed me quickly as i noticed him. i fastened my pace, walking on the grass, just to go to him. i could see that even he was caught in the middle of the conversation with another person, he still took every chance he got to check me out. i saw him turning his head towards me every once in a while. when i finally got to the sidewalk they stood, i purposely kept near to the other side of the banquette. when i finally reached to the point where we could both see each other clearly, he turned and looked at me as i looked up to him with a very awkward smile. but i looked back down immediately, so i didn't get a chance to see if he had smiled at me back or not... i only noticed that he tried to end the conversation after i walked passed him... he fastened his pace no more than 3 seconds after i passed them.. we didn't walk in the ss building from the same door, but that was okay... he saw me.. he actually turned and looked at me... after not being in the fine arts building at 11am as my usual routine.. he looked for me... that was all i needed......
later on today, me and matt went to paesano's after talking to his cousin for about 15 minutes. she's actually a really cool person. i bet she noticed that i have been hanging out with matt pretty often.. yesterday when i said bye to her, she actually looked at me and asked, "it's marian, right?" we're starting to get to know each other, i guess... today she noticed my nails... and hers were really similar, too!!! black and white.. mine were poker dots and hers were stripes..<33 it was great! aubrey called while we were at paesano's. i made her walked all the way from science building to see me..lol..which she did..brenda was here with barbara frye earlier, too. while in the library, i saw that cute guy with beard from my history class last semester... damn i saw a lot of ppl today....
we hung out in paesano's till around 2:20..lol..we got in to class 30 minutes late (but we walked in anyway) nate was a little pissed about me ditching him for the homework thingy..
after class, i walked aubrey to work, saw michael...
then went to barry's to give the tests to kriia...
then went to flying l to give matt a kiss (chocolate)...
then to rockwall to buy some shit from walmart...
and that was about it...
came back, talked to mariana, then to the astr show...
that was my day...
went full and well...
few surprises, but they were good...
i don't know what's gonna happen between me and matt... if he wants more than friendship... i doubt it'll work... i'm leaving... and i'm not exactly the type of girl he's looking for right now... we're both attracted to each other, true... but i don't think if we take the extra mile, it'll end happily ever after... love is never enough...

I didn't get much sleep last night. So I was gonna go to class, then come back to get some sleep. But I ended up ran into Rogelio, then talked to Mariana for a few minutes before she went home. After this, I thought of going to Aubrey's painting class to check out other people's work. But she didn't have painting class today. I texted Matt "I need a hug" earlier around noon. He got outta class around 2, so he texted me back "do you still need a hug?" He meet me at Crystal's. I was walking really slow cuz it was really cold outside, I could barely move. When i was walking down the stairs, I saw him coming towards me. Unbelievably, he even came out and looked for me. I felt my mobile vibrated, I knew it was him calling me because we are walking towards each other. He soon saw me, so he hung up. He came up to me, we stood real close to each other. I saw it in his eyes that he was expecting a hug. But since I didn't get my hands outta my pocket or act like I was going to run into his arms. He acted nothing. We stood outside for a few minutes. I told him I didn't feel my ears anymore. He laughed, then asked if I wanted to go somewhere warm. So we headed back to the Student Center. Went to the bookstore for chips, but they didn't have the kind he wanted, so we went upstairs to the candy shop. While we were waiting for somebody to come to us, I noticed he was wearing a button up shirt as well! Both him and Baily wore blue today... I kept meaning to wear blue, but I just kept wearing the yellow one...*sigh* Mine was marine blue, both of Matt's and Baily's are light blue... Our clothings totally matched today. Button-up shirts with big jacket, his was marine blue and mine was cerulean blue. And the inside of his jacket was yellow, which totally matched with my shirt. We joked around. And we both felt the chemical change between us. After we established our relationship was just brotherhood. This is kind of awkward for me. I obviously hated southerners. And he obviously liked big boobs women.
I called Aubrey earlier, so she called me back when I was reading the magazines at Crystal's while Matt was eating his sandwich. I called her back and told her I was at Crystal's with Matt. She asked if we wanted to do something, but I told her Matt had to work. I was really bored, but she didn't have to work till 5. So after gossiping about the celebrities in the magazines, Matt went to work around 2:40. And I went home...
If he gets online tonight, I wonder what would happen...I didn't get the hug I asked for. And there certainly was something going on between us today. It was weird, I didn't say a word about it, neither did he. I admit that I was kind of attracted to him lately. But I don't think that would lead to something more... Not to mention I'm leaving this place, there's no way I could hold this...

meaning to stay at fine arts to see baily, but ended up talking to Michale again..lol..he was on his way home, i suppose, taking a bucket of clay on his bike. i walked up to him, "going home already?" the follows the conversation of how i didn't believe he could take all those on his bike. when i told him, "you're not gonna make it." he laughed and said, "you're just so cute" then accused me about the paints on my arm, "i thought you didn't like art." i argued, "i don't!"
"yeah, yeah, i'm not gonna believe your lies.." he laughed.
"get outta here." i yelled at him and smiled at the same time.

The long hair guy with the bike. I saw him walking towards Fine Arts building today after I walked Matt to Science building to his Ed. class. I was wearing my red and white stripes I Love Yo shirt. I walked up to him and asked, "Where's your bike?" since he always rides his bike. He pointed at the Fine Arts building and told me he parked it over there, then explained how Odom was doing a critique, but he changed the location and all. We both laughed. He said this is his last semester, that he's graduating. I said this is my last, too, that I'm transferring..lol..
Before I left for Education building, he said that I looked really cute today. I smiled and shrugged and replied, "Thank you" in a cutest way I could possibly be. Then he said something about making me his date or something like that, I didn't quite get it, I was in a hurry. But when I turned back and about to ask him what did he mean. He already popped out the sentence - "I was just kidding"
So I just waved at him and said goodbye.
I'm such a horrible person..lol..I kept getting attracted to those older men...Those who are age 30 or so. My Political Science professor or this guy...I'm just fucking sick...LOL

It snows again..!
fascinating <3
while i was outside playing with the snow on the grass. he walked up to me. saw me with the starbucks coffee in my hand. i smiled. "whatever that is, it sure looks nice and warm," he said. i didn't realize he was talking about my coffee until he got to the door. all i did was smile at him back without really saying anything. although he stood there for a few seconds waited for my answer. he probably wanted to know what i was drinking, but i didn't get a chance to answer him...

today's the first snowing day of the year. i smiled when i saw the snow when i walked outta the house even it was just alittle bit..
i rushed outta the art building when he was coming in. i freaked. he laughed.
"jesus, you scared me" i said.
"[why?]did expect to see me?" he asked.

i was sitting at a chair in WTFA building right next to the restrooms and studying my astronomy class bullshit. because i didn't know what to say if he brought up the sujbect of seeing me on I30 on friday... although i secretly hope that he'd come up to me if he saw me there. but i really rather he'd just go straight to the classroom. he came in with a sweater, so i didn't really recognize him... and surprisingly, he did came all the way up to me drinking water while he was holding a bottle of water...lol.. it was fairly obvious, but i didn't say a word, neither did he.......

Matt got me a Nightmare Before Christmas button, which he picked up from the ground at Flying L..lol..So I met him at the WTFA building around 10:30am today. We talked for about 30 minutes till around 11 when he had to go to class. We were outside. And when he went to class, Baily just got here. This time I held the door open for him. I was drinking my Tab drink, holding the door with my feet. When he saw me turned around, he said "Hi" I didn't say anything because was drinking stuff..lol..He walked in, I was in front of him, but I slowed down to text Matt. He didn't go straight in class, he went to the men's room first. I sat on the stairs texting Matt. When he walked out, I asked, "How are you?" He answered, "Pretty good. How are you?" I was smiling the whole time. And when me and Matt were outside hugging each other, he saw us, too. And if he was paying attention, I bet he heard what I said about leaving Commerce as well. And this is the first time I replied that question with a positive answer - "Super!" I said. "Super?!" He asked. He was already at the door. So I didn't see his face or anything. I didn't know if he was going to stop and ask me why. Maybe if I answered back with "yes" or "yeah" instead of "hmm-huh", he would. But since I didn't act like I wanted to continue on the conversation, and he was kind of late to the class, so all he said was with a very happy tune, "All right!" It was short and awesome and loveable. That made me wanted to stay till his class was over. But he was inside talking to one of his student when the class ended. And I had to get to my PSY class, so I just sort of gave up.
After PSY, me and Nate went to the library. We saw Mariana, then she took me to Walmart, dropped me off at the science building. 5 minutes before the class, Aubrey walked in. I saw her, but didn't notice there were people behind me. Chris and Nate just suddenly jumped outta nowhere and scared the crap outta me. Chris used to be in my history class. He was a really good looking guy. I didn't know he used to go to Commerce High. He knew both Nate and Matt. It was freaky... Glad we got to know each other a bit better this semester..

went to bed this morning around 8am or so. talked to Matt till almost 4am. Internet's been on and off the whole time. so didn't really talk to Hunter for that long. he was playing video games with his friends anyway. had a few laughs with Matt. then woke up around 11:30am, talked to Matt again.. and Erika also. I've been dying to tell her what happened between me and Hunter. She laughed and said it was awesome. Then my phone line got cut off again..motherfucker...
went back to sleep after Matt said he wuz gonna go change his tires and stuff.
Sean called me around 2:40pm...I planned on answering his phone call this time. but i was so tired. so i answered it with sleepy voice and stuff.. he asked how i was. why was i sleeping in the 2 afternoon. i didn't quite answer to either one of the question. then he noticed taht i was not exactly awake. so he let me go back to sleep and said that he'd call later....
good to hear his voice..didn't know why i didn't answer his phone calls before.....

So I've been talking to Hunter ever since. Except those two days of Christmas. He said that he went to Dallas and got a new guitar instead of a viola. But it was still good. Wonder if he went with Terah. They seem like they still live together. She's been happier than ever. And he's been miserable. I don't know why he talks to me when he's clearly not over her yet. I don't even know why I'm being so paranoid and stuff. Is it because of jealousy..? Am I jealous of Terah? How can I be jealous of her? I know I've always had a thing about Hunter, but it doesn't mean I'm having feelings for him at all, especially now... Or do I?
This is crazy. I can't fall for this. This is way beyond my control. And at this very moment when I should be worrying about my future, I have to be in control. I hate it when he's the last thing I thought about before I go to sleep and the first thing that pops up in my mind when I wake up. I hate it when the taste of his lips haunts me day and night. I hate myself for desire him.
He's having a show on New Year's Eve. But I promised grams to go to Arlington to take her shopping. I didn't want to go to the show because I didn't want to see him and Terah there. But I didn't use going to Arlington as an excuse on purpose. Maybe it was destiny. We were never meant to be. So I kept missing his shows. It was unconsciously done, I hope he believed that. But maybe I will still try to go if I can get Mariana to come with me.
Sean called me twice today around 6ish. I still didn't pick up. I don't want to know how I feel anymore if I can still feel.
Talked to Matt and Ali till sunrise...
Didn't wake up till 1ish P.M.
Went to get my car oil changed..
Bought a DVD and a book.
Emailed Baily and asked him about the books he will be using next semester..

I got home about 6am. Passed out immediately. Didn't wake up till almost noon. He has signed out already. So I guess he woke up earlier than me, or maybe he woke up right after I left. Later, I heard a message alarm, I was hoping it was Luny cuz I got a offline message from him. It was from last night right after I left for Hunter's place. But actually it was Hunter. He asked if I was here. I told him I was still asleep. He said that he had to work in the early morning cuz no one was there, but he'd be getting off soon, and he intended to go straight back to bed. We talked for a bit, he asked when did i leave last night. I told him this morning around 6. He was like , Damn. I go, yeah, you idiot, you let me passed out. He screamed, I tried not to goddamnit. LOL. It was funny. We were both still very tired. So we just let each other go back to sleep. I talked to Matt for a while cuz he didn't get to finish his story last night. He messaged me. After telling me the whole story, and admitted that he was wrong, and I was right about everything, about Danielle and Ben. I guess we're okay now. I didn't stay up that long. I passed out around 1:30pm. Didn't wake up till 4.
talked to Aubs, text Luch for a date. and Sean called me! Around 5:29pm, I thought it was Luch cuz we were texting each other, but it was him..! That was a nice surprise.. Though I didn't pick up. But he left me a voicemail. It was sweet.